You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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