also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
