Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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