I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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