I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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