I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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