I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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