How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
