apparently the secret to your success is patron
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
