Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
