i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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