Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Then you guys just all showered together...?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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