You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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