At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
