I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Randomize
