Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
