i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
