Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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