The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
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He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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