These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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