im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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