im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
