Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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