Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
