I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
