The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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