Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
did you just send me my own nude
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
