I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
