don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I think my moral compass just broke
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
