i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
