i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
