batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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