I can text with my tongue
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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