i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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