he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
