the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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