you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
