i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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