That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
