At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
