I am spending my child support on dildos
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
