It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
