I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize