are you still at the devil's house?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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