Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
