And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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