Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
