i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
