New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
