The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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