Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
