i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
