She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
