Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
