Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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