Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
