Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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