How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
