Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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