so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
