i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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