i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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