He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
