i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
